Divine Dementia
“Do you see it as an invitation or imposition ?” Dr. Kathlyn Hendricks THE MUD ~ Not much – mostly “a good tired” flecked with bits of sadness It’s Mother’s Day and like a lot of people, I’m reflecting upon my mother. In the end stages of a rare condition called NPH (normal pressure hydrocephalus), she’s saturated with dementia.
Like a toddler, she’s messy and daring; doesn’t care what she looks like or smells like; pees, poops, pukes, farts, sleeps, hugs, kisses and sings whenever and wherever she feels like it; speaks the truth with a side of gibberish; eats with her hands – sometimes smears it on her face; can study the intricacies of a flower or tree for an hour; loves to play with dolls, dogs; and needs constant supervision, care. She is my gift from God. Finally, she is pure essence. Finally, we can LOVE, connect, have some fun, simply hold hands, just BE. Finding or creating just the right Mother’s Day Card is no longer a challenge. Dementia has healed us. As a mother, she was what psychologists would call a “wounded child.” Riddled with unresolved pain, she was quick to spew its poison onto anybody, anywhere. She spent her life struggling to survive, clawing for self worth and love. Most of my childhood memories of her are painful: she was an F-5 tornado – going-going-going, doing-doing-doing, yelling, blaming, shaming, trying to control everything and everybody, and in the process, destroying what she most wanted. She had the stereotypical “lack and attack” personality. Nothing and nobody was ever enough and somebody or something was always out to get her.
A born boss and natural artist, I’m guessing with love and nurturing she could have been a real positive force in the world. Today I’m wondering if perhaps her greatest achievements can come now, with, and through me, as she slowly dies… As I type this, I’m nestled in my downy bed with dog Zeus sprawled nearby sharing my peace. I am present and restful as I reflect upon the divine tapestry of Mom and Me. ~She was a tough mother, so I became a rebel, got wounded and ultimately, became an empath. ~She showed me what living in fear was like, so I became a committed seeker of peace and love. ~She lived unconsciously, didn’t explore, discover, value, invest in, or share her natural divine essence, so I did, and do. Some say souls choose, for good or not, who to come through to fulfill their earthly mission. I can see that in us. I can also see she’s teaching me still. HER mission isn’t done. Braving NPH, she opens and invites me to more love – bigger, better, anytime, anywhere. Vulnerable, tender, gentle. Patient, kind, generous. Forgiving, reverent, free. And I KNOW as painful as our beginnings were, the sweetness of our endings will be the ones that I treasure and cultivate.
They will be what we both wanted all along – a profound, loving, authentic connection. I’m so glad I RSVPed. With love and appreciation to all who have had the courage to mother anything or anybody, Charlotte’s Daughter.